Can we separate art from the artist?
(The following is an exerpt from my article published (and editor's pick! :-)), over on Elephant Journal. You can read the full musings, titled 'Teenage Heartbreak all over again: Michael Jackson & the Falling of our Creative Genius Idols.', by clicking here xx)
"Sure. We can view a painting, hear a poem and piece of music, and be moved, inspired, touched, elated, emoted, and basically, react or respond, to it.
We can have an opinion. We can love it or hate it.
And none of that can have anything to do with its creator.
We might not even know who the artist was behind that particular piece that changed something for us, that lodged itself forever into our memory bank.
But knowing more about the creator can add new layers of understanding, new perspectives of context, and this can change the way we absorb and perceive their art.
In lieu of the ongoing and shockingly sad revelations that are now pouring out into the light, concerning some of our beloved artists and “genius creators,” the question becomes more urgently, not can we—but should we separate the art from the artist?
Betrayal breaks something.
Something so deep that was never to be spoken of in the first place. This betrayal, as I see it, and deeply feel it, is of trust.
Because this is the betrayal that I’m palpably feeling right now, I’m naming the artist who has been spotlighted with startling incriminations these past few weeks—one of my childhood heroes, Michael Jackson...."
(to continue reading click here loves. Thank you :-))
D is for doubt.
Doubt has taken up residence and invited the fraudulent one for tea. They’re eating rock cakes which are causing all their teeth to fall out, and they’re pissing ‘tea’ outta their orifices! Quite frankly, they stink.
It’s no irony in the grand scheme of things, of how life is the careful navigation between and betwixt the dualities that those yogic dudes once spouted about. Yeh. It’s taken me twenty years, including one year of yoga teaching retirement, to finally get it. Tis all the dance of the opposites that causes so much trouble, tremble and thorny-ouched days as we pirouette the best we can through our creative lives.
You see, one of the diamonds of absolute clarity that has arisen since beginning a journey with the, (as I call her), ‘business shaman’, Kat Byles, is in finding my core message that fuels and runs through the intention of what ‘The Creative Genius’ (my creativity coaching business, keep up in the back loves!! ;-)) is about. It’s a ‘Fuck, YES!’ to one’s creativity, sexuality and life force. It’s a no brainer for me and as anyone of you knows who has worked with me (or just simply live in my heart as my friend), making your life art, and your art life, is what I have breathed with conviction all of my life. It’s me basically. And this ‘Fuck, YES!’ is a soft, heart fuelled, passionate, pleasurable, delicious, juicy, affirmation of your life. Of your self. Of your heart, and of your art.
Now, in standing at the edge of the unknown, at a new level of visibility, that involves all of me showing up, exposed, present, embodied, engaged, I have run straight into, the wall of resistance. That is, I have come up against my ‘NO!’.
I understand enough now that what we call in and ask for, which is always and already available to us, what we receive is everything that is in the way of that. You want love? Guaranteed all the ways you seek to hide from, repel, and/or dishonour love will show up. You want clarity? Here’s a ginormous bundle of confusion for you to unravel! Asking for faith to show up? Well then let’s count the ways suspicion, and turning away from miracles, plays out in your life!! Fun hey!!??? :-/. And so on, and so on.
So here’s my ‘NO!’. Oh let me count the ways:
Distraction. Check. Procrastination. Check. Perfectionism. Check. Avoidance. Double check. Comparison. Yuk, and Check. Judge. Check check check. Total an utter turning away in a kinda drugged sleep walking. Check mate.
Oh. Shit. :-(
If you resonate with any of the above then now would be a great time to holler ‘me too’ and send thumbs up my way. It ain’t pretty but tis the truth.
The one who doubts is loving this. The bitch! And the fraudulent one. Well, she’s gnashing her bleeding gums and looks simply delighted in the pointing out of how can I, the one who is saying ‘No!’ with such bells and whistles, hold space for others to find their ‘YES!’. How ridiculous. As she says ‘ridiculous’ bright red spittle splays out. As you can imagine this isn’t a terribly charming sight!!!
Part of me doesn’t want to hear her and desires to sleep a thousand years and wait for Disney’s sickly sweet and sugar coated Prince Charming to show up, kiss me whilst I sleep (which is well dodgy!!), and wake me from a life of slumber and responsibility! You see doubt, judge, and the fraudulent one (Fraulein Fraudulent!?? :-)), are bullies. And in believing their bullshit I become their victim.
It just keeps getting better n better!! (Not!)
Let’s see what’s going on here shall we!? Time to face these miserable uncouth wretches spoiling my afternoon tea partying.
Am I a fraud?
I’m not. Though it may feel like it because I don’t have my Americanised ultra smile and glossy hair on right now. Or ever for that matter. I’m a normal woman. Sensitive. Shy. Sweet. Who needs lots of stillness, space and silence otherwise she gets overwhelmed. And who often has a soupcon of tremor in her thigh, and a quiver of terror in the pit of her belly. Fine. These are familiars, and after a lifetime of letting them curtail my ‘Yeses’, they no longer pose a threat nor a roadblock to the excitement of the muse! :-)
Am I a fraud?
Guaranteed that whenever we stand at a gateway into the next steps of our true becoming any number of our old resistance mechanisms will kick in. It’s scary. It’s unknown and new. It’s exciting but involves letting go of what we know. It’s a surrender into. It’s about trust. It’s a game. It’s growth. And if it’s truly aligned with who we are, there’s a level of uncertainty and thus vulnerability, that rises up to meet us. All of this equals a madcap rush of possible chaos and resistance. (And cake. Very possibly cake.)
If I’m to stand besides you, clear, strong, open, receptive, and trustworthy, then I’ll have to have gone through this too. Not just once, but over and over and over again.
Am I a fraud?
What I’m stepping up to do is challenging that part that feels safer hiding away and behind. And yet this call feels oh so right. Alive. Exciting. Playful. And me. Because it feels so clear I am completely naked and raw, exposed and vulnerable. I choose this. I choose to step forwards deeper and wider and into the limitless possibility of the creative void. I choose to say yes to that which makes me feel joy. I choose to walk my talk, and shimmy my lithe limbs, and say ‘here I am, here I am!’
Doubt and its annoying friends come in to meet us when we are on to something. When we no longer desire to live in a smallness that devalues and denies who we are. I believe more and more that the force of this resistance is in direct equal power to the force of our greatness. The dance between ‘yes’ and ‘no’, between ‘life’ and ‘death’, is an eternal waltz until our very last step!
As they say on many a show: Who wins? You decide :-)
Here are some practical tools (from the creative genius warriors rock ‘n soul toolbox), to assist you if you find doubt, fraud and friends have come to tea unexpectedly!
*If you find that you have been gripped by the vice of ‘NO!’: Name it. Claim it. Voice it. So that it can no longer hide and rob you of your light and life. Most of the ‘no’ thoughts are designed to keep us small, and shame us. Shame’s role is to hide us away, and keep us imprisoned. Say ‘no way’ to your captors. Turn to face them. Question their voice.
*Ask for help and support. No wo(man) is an island. The ego thinks so. The ego believes it doesn’t need others. That’s not the case. Our strength is in our togetherness. That’s my new motto. It’s very new for this lone wolf. Reach out to: Peers. Friends. Loved ones. Tribe. Professionals. Nature. Trees. Mountains. The sea. Your dog. Your cat. A terrific and fabulously real creativity coach! :-)
*Make a choice. A conscious choice. Do I desire to live in and from this ‘no’? Would I like to learn to move in and from my ‘yes’? You don’t have to know how. Just keep affirming your choice.
*Accept that life is lived in the uncertainty. In the vulnerability. In the ‘not knowing’. Learn how to tread water in this place. Learn how to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. A ship is safe in the harbour but that’s not what ships were made for. It’s not what you were made for.
*Acceptance. Of all the ways the ‘no’ moves in. Of all its seductive callings. Of each and every time you cannot resist, are blind to its crafty manoeuvres. Get familiar with these characters: the doubt, the fraud, the judge. The more we choose to pull up a seat and join them at their (by now a complete shambolic!) table, the more they lose their power over us. And listen carefully too, as there may be snippets and whippets of truth amongst their scaremongering. It takes a great discernment to know what’s truth and what’s lies.
*Make friends with the possibility of failing, of fucking up, of making mahoosive mistakes! Make friends with imperfection.
*Take a deep breath and just go for it. Wobble away. Shake rattle ‘n roll. Fall down. Get ya knickers in a twist and your tail feathers caught in the elastic of ya pants.
*Show up anyways in all your glorious humanness. You see, if what calls to come forth lights a rocket in ya pants so that you purr with life and pulse with the yes of Eros, of manifestation, of what turns you on, of what brings you joy, then that’s what is being asked of you to bring to life. It’s none of your business how to do so perfectly. It’s not possible to wait until you’re ready otherwise they’ll be burying us at sea and our bones will still be rattling in anticipation mode waiting, waiting, waiting.
*Oh yeah. And celebrate the steps. Each one. No matter how small. If what you’ve done is huge for you then celebrate :-)
*And when the next wave comes to carry you (which it will my darling, oh yes it will), rinse and repeat. Strap yourself in and say ‘Fuck, YES!’ all over again!
With each battle, each surf, our muscle of becoming and navigating this ride, gets stronger. It has to. It will do. It is.
Thank you for your time and attention,
mPerhaps our only security is in joy.
Let me explain. I had a realisation the other day, that it seems to me that life (God, Spirit etc) always responds to us when we say yes to that which makes us smile. That flutters our heart, that makes us feel a certain oneness, solidity. A kinda ‘just this’, exact, and very ordinary, absolute ok-ness with everything as it is. Nothing is missing. Nothing more is needed.
This is joy.
And the more that we say hell yes to this joy, it’s as if that mystical, magical, unfathomable force, goes, ‘you like that hey!? You appreciate this my love? Well have some more ok??’ and lo and behold, more of that good stuff, comes in. A bit like one of those supermarket rewards cards. But with points for ze juicy life stuff rather than toilet rolls and humous!! ;-)
Maybe it’s our natural state of being. Maybe when we whine and moan and winge and stomp our feet and pout our lips in defiance and resentment and cries of ‘not enough/it’s not fair/why me!??!!’ the more it seems that we are acting like spoilt childish brats, ungrateful and unlovely. And we know how annoying those are don’t we, bless ‘em! ;-)
Now don’t get me wrong. I can, and still do, fall into brat mode. Usually it really does feel like I’ve slid from mature adult woman into small sulking kid and resentful jealous teenager. More times than I might ordinarily admit, if I’m being honest with you!!!
But it’s occurring to me more and more, that when I’m in appreciation, gratitude and joy, everything changes. Life becomes more expansive and beauty-full. And effortless. That last one is the place that feels like home, a relief, and where my shoulders fall back down and my jaw relaxes its stubborn tension.
Choosing joy also brings miracles. I’ve witnessed this in my own life this last year or so. Choosing to say yes to that which is truly born from my true heart desires, even though it seems impossible, has not yet let me down! Even if that which I’ve been drooling over has taken time to manifest, it has done so. Opportunities have come in. Unexpected financial flurries have arrived. There’s a sense that life comes in to meet us, if we’re in a receptive open and gloriously available state. If we are living in and with a curious nod of generosity. This, for me, seems to be the landscape of joy!
Now let’s talk about security. If I place my trust in joy it feels like I’m being looked after by a force not in my control. Like I’ve said, it feels magical. Otherworldly. Grace. Love.
And it doesn’t depend on the shifting shenanigans of anything outside of me.
Holy moly!! ;-)
But what have we been taught? Certainly not to follow and trust joy! Oh boy no! We’ve been taught to place our trust in matters of worldly matter. In things that apparently are in our control. That are tangible and stable and safe. Like money. Jobs. A relationship. A title. A mortgage. You know the ones I’m sure!
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating to let go of these with a maniacal laugh. That would be folly darlings. And stupid. We need our ground. We have to pay our bills, eat, house and look after our loved ones. Contribute to our community and the world. But what if we’ve clung so tightly, dug our nails in til they’ve gone white, to that which, by its very nature, can never ever be secure? Stockmarkets rise and fall, as do interest rates, taxes blah blah blah. Businesses go bankrupt, cuts are often made, electricity prices go seemingly up up up like a crazy thing!!!! Relationships are want to being out of our control too, as we are all too aware of I’m sure!! People move away, change, even die. And, I know it’s one of the highest forms of spiritual freedom, but, has anyone truly deeply madly captured the absolute ability to have non attachments to our loved ones??!! Really?! I even had a conversation with a dear friend last night about how much my nearly 46 year old teddy means to me. Like I’d run inside my burning home to save it (never have quite worked out if teddy is a boy or a girl. I guess you could say it’s a ‘they’ if we’re being all modern about such matters! :-)).
And what about our health? Yes we can certainly make the choices that are good for our health and wellbeing. We can tend to and care for our physical, emotional and mental health. That helps of course. But it won’t stop life from sledgehammering us with its roller coaster lunacy. With its odd ailments and illnesses. And as much as those glossy photoshopped ads try insidiously to make us believe, we cannot stop the strange process of ageing and it’s beat up effects on all of our faculties. And then there’s death. That one is most certainly out of our control!! :-D
Life is both brutal and beauty. Painful and pleasurable. Bitter and sweet. Happiness and sadness. Hopeful and disappointing. Life is both cruel and kind. It both doesn’t make sense and it’s incredibly simple. It’s the very nature of this game of duality! And we’ve all chosen, in some bizarre and lucky lottery, to be here now. To say ‘yep bring it on!’ to it all.
And let me be clear here. There is absolutely pointless and indescribable suffering ahappening all the time, that is true unfortunately. There are dangerous fools playing doctor evil with our lives and the earth, yes. Let us not forget that our modern ‘civilised’ society likes to keep us hypnotised under the acidic and toxic veil of the smoke of fear and terror. To keep feeding the illusion that they have the power. And that we have no choices. But we do darlings, we oh so do. As long as we keep believing that they are controlling us, we remain tethered by puppeteer strings to their macabre train crash seaside show!!
Is this where you really want to place your trust and sense of security? Tell me, how’s that working out for you? (If it’s working out rather grandly for you then good for you. But in all seriousness, I am curious. Let me know :-))
But I’m not saying to walk around with your head in the clouds of fantasy. Nope. That doesn’t work either. Too ‘all is love with sugar sprinkles on it’ just gives a poisonous taste, a belly ache, and a need to slap back down to earth the one with that banner!! We have to be rooted in reality. Remember?
But we can still choose joy. In our hearts. To steer the ship.
So maybe joy is where our security lies. Underneath everything. The ground from which all experience arises. The foundation floor that takes our foot stomping razzmatazz and quick steps. And maybe this ground of joy lights up like one of those 70’s disco floors, with all the colours of our textured lives. Red and green and blue and yellow and orange and…
We might as well dance on it! It’s a goddamn disco floor folks!!! ;-)
At the end of the day it’s completely our choice whether to focus on one particular colour til it dements us into dementia. Tis this choice that gives us power my loves. But instead of the flashing colours of human suffering, maybe we can choose the floor itself, the grit of the ground, the joy, and perhaps find some wisdom and saucy dance moves when the blue light of grief hits, or the red of rage, or the yellow of fear etc. As I say, tis our choice. It’s our choice.
And see what life offers to you in response.
See you on the dancefloor folks :-) xxx
Aho HH xx
P.S. Do you know that joy is one of the side effects of working with me? I can support you, walk, talk and dance with you, to create your life as art, your art as life, and find that root and well spring of joy. It’s part of the creative genius map. And you, my dear, are a creative genius. It’s just that we forget. That’s all. Tis human of us. We all need to be reminded from time to time. I bless my tribe and teacher for my reminders with deep deep appreciation every day. And joy :-)
Thanks for reading if you’re still here :-). Fancy sharing this? Go ahead and spread that joy love darlings 💖💖💖
Thank you. Heidi Hinda x
Anyone who knows me well, is aware that I am currently working on crafting a selection of retellings of fairy tales. Adult tales with an erotic flavour. At some point (though I am so blessedly aware of how long it takes me to do anything, my uber slow wondrous pace! ;-)), I hope to publish them as a book. I’ll keep you posted upon said progress. (Though head over here if you’d like to read one of my tales my love :-))
‘Beauty and the Beast’ has been sitting with me lately, both sides whispering in my ears, pulling my arms this way and that. Asking me to choose between them. As if i ever could.
For is not this time of the year the liminal time, not quite deep winter’s cave, and yet not entirely the fire lit action lands that we have enjoyed over the summer? The bridge between light and dark, creation and destruction, life and death. In response to my last foray into the realm of intimate romantic love are not all relationships, including the ones with our own selves, an ever flowing dance with these pairings? And is not the perennial and seasonal cycles of our creativity and sexuality a continuous merry go round of perpetual change and movement up and down, round and round, and forever in ebb and flow?
Do we dare to offer our ‘ugly’ to the world, our shame and unworthiness? Can we have the courage to drop the censorship and bow to the fullness of every part of what we say, in whatever language we desire to sculpt it in? Are we able to dig deeper, deeper than a pleasing aesthetic, in search of bones and grit, blood and guts, heartache and fear, and offer all of these as a prayer to the divine?
Can we say yes to both ‘Beauty and the Beast’? To hold both in the palms of our hands, allowing them to beat with wings of blood and magic, neither one ‘better than’ the other? Both a part of the fullness of everything we may hold dear.
Neither one nor the other. Not summer nor winter. In the land of enchantment, and the liminal.
Liminal spaces. Such a delicious word. It means threshold my darling :-)
Transition times. One foot in one place and the other in another. Not quite having stepped over. Holding the space for all to be, to be, to be. No rush. No rush. No rush.
The balance between worlds. The ‘upper worlds’, all day to day, routine and ‘Father Time’, work and schedules, the to-do list and all of the myriad moments of a full life; and the ‘lower worlds’, the pull and draw inwards and downwards, dreaming time, rest, shadowlands and Persephone’s seduction, essentially the call to the sovereignty of the soul.
How do we keep them both fed and nourished? How can we find the possibility of holding both in our hearts? How do we acknowledge and respect and honour both for their need for nourishment, attention, care and tending?
I know in myself I can have a tendency to separate aspects of my life. To compartmentalise if you like. To put into boxes. This can work, up to a point, but unless we have very little of these boxes, with very minimal content, then my guessing is at some point, everything starts to spill out and become chaotic and, well, untameable!
The untameable. The wild. The chaos.
Aaaah! Here we are, back in the realm of creativity! ;-) Of life. Of Love. Of everything.
If we ignore one aspect, one ‘box’, turning away in frustration, in judgement, in a restlessness, we take away its energy, so that it begins to dry out, atrophy, and become a muted grey slab in our vivid technicolour life! We become ‘wonky’ and unbalanced, either living in high fantasy, unreal and ungrounded, avoiding alone and its gifts, and all doing doing doing and full of sugary coated, if unconscious, denial; or we walk through our days in the thunder, deep intensity, a devilish realm with an absence of joy and other. For soul work is solitary my love. It always will be. As we are both human and divine, we need both.
Why do we have this propensity to turn towards what we perceive as the ‘Beauty’ in our life, and dismiss with disdain the ‘Beast’? For surely, life is about coming to realise that there is a darkness to this beauty that we so long to hold on to, and conversely, there is sweet exquisite heart and wonder if we dare to stay a while with the beast. In life, in love, in art, and in our own dear dear self. We are all of this, and more.
Now, we are, in our essential pure nature, vaster, larger and infinite, in our capacity. Read that again my love. You, dear one, have the ability to stretch far and wide, to bear all of what life demands and beckons off you. It’s just the way of our true nature. The key, I believe, is not in necessarily wondering, organising, nor controlling, all of these parts of ourselves. I mean, hell that bloody well doesn’t work out terribly well does it my fellow recovering control freaks?! But in shifting one’s attention instead, on to the thread that binds all of these parts of one’s life together.
The thread? Being in devotion to, in service to, in prayer to, the sacred.
You see, the sacred threads through everything. Nothing in our lives cannot be held by and in the sacred. If it’s a part of our living and our experience, then it’s a part of everything. And nothing that’s in everything, can be separate from us. You may want to read that line again.
When we resist, panic, and try to control, then we are essentially reacting from a place of fear. We all do this. It’s part of our human nature. We want to feel like we have a grip on whatever the lunatic hell is going on!! My advice? Loosen the grip, fall into the madness, surrender into the chaos. But, not blindly dear one, not without sight. But instead, by using our night goggles of seeing through the eyes of the Holy. The whole. Holiness and wholeness. And then even our fear is holy, and part of our wholeness.
Endings and beginnings. Is there ever such a thing truly? Sure, on the surface level, in the ‘upper’ world thinking. And this can cause us pain and heartbreak (I’ve been there recently). But in the ‘lower’ world thinking, we can ripen the soul, season it, weather and wizen it with whatever wisdom we can bear to taste and swallow. And then there’s the sacred thread that binds both upper and lower worlds, bigger than all, simply holding, with love, clear, solid and still.
Hold all those unanswered questions, that your year may have offered to you as gifts, and that the mind might be feeling like it’s running out of time and gotta sort and figure it out by Dec 31st!! Hold these loose and unfinished questions as prayers, as soul poetics. Offer them now to Hades, to Soul, to the shadowlands, to the soil and worms and dead things.
Hold all of life’s uncertainties, tipping points and transition times, as a way to grow towards and into the unknown, the winter, because it’s coming and ready or not it will ask its own demands of us. It takes strength. And resilience. And a steady stance to weather the storms and to let the leaves of us fall, and to sway and blow this way and that way, and yet still feel rooted in trust as our skeleton is revealed, as we dare to risk becoming exposed. Because we have no choice. Not if we are artists of our lives. Not if we are open to life. Not if we desire to live in full and fierce truth and grace. Not if we know that we know nothing and that to control is ultimately futile (though we give it a damn good go! ;-)). Not if we are willing to take life as our lover. For it will strip us down over and over again. It will rip open our hearts over and over again. It will pour medicine thick and thorough, over and thro us over and over again. And it will blast us open to beauty and truth and wonder and miracles and magic over and over again. If we are willing, life lived in this way will always take us straight back to God. But it’s a warriors’ path. And a bloody one. And we will be scared.
And I like how the word ‘scared’ is an anagram for ‘sacred’! ;-)
Are you scared yet? Good!
Rattle your bones beauties. Shake rattle and roll. Soul roll that is. As you may know I’m bowing to and daring to commit deeper and deeper to this way of living. Some days I forget. Some days I fall down. Some days I am driven by the scared and not the sacred. So this my loves, this is also a reminder for me too :-) xx
As Shirley Valentine says ‘Are we living such a little and calling it a life?’
Liminal lingerings and lushest longing love to you all xx
Thank you for reading xx
D is for disappointment.
I woke up today and disappointment was my guest. A sadness, an ache, an ouch at my heart. So I invited it to stay for a while, made us both some strong black coffee, and leaned in. I am learning how to lean in more, how to stay with what arises, to become more intimate with those places within me that are a part of the tender layers, like the finest filo pastry, of the realm of vulnerability.
Full disclosure folks. My ‘guest’ arose as a reaction to having to cancel my workshop today. Yep. There weren’t enough bookings to run the day, and in the name of truth and transparency, there was actually only one dear woman who had claimed a place. This happens sometimes. And the thing is, no one really talks about it. The times when ‘it’ doesn’t work.
A part of social media’s shiny sing song is that it can be a beacon of fabulousness, of exotic and tempting events and ripe and flourishing activities to choose from. This is true. We really are living in extraordinary times of so much choice. I applaud this and partake in such platters on a regular basis. I am also aware of how extremely blessed we are, lucky, graced in fact, to even have the freedom to play out at all and dare to feed deeper parts of ourselves.
We, us solo creative geniuses, living on a wing and a prayer, and a deep, deep, internal compass of truth, freedom and beauty, take a risk each and every time we put something that we have created out into the world. It doesn’t matter what that may be: a poem, a song, a pot, a painting, a story, a workshop etc. It was given to us as a seedling of spirit’s spittle, and we turned it and churned it, into art, into an offering to others. This takes courage. This takes guts and sweat and often, quite often, a lil shake and the odd roll of a tear!
It’s terrifying putting ourselves out there, but, and for those of you who understand where I’m coming from, there is no choice. We have no choice. Something bigger than us, something that has a greater force, a stronger urgency, moves us into inspiration and action, and all that we can do is to bow to this and do its bidding. The holy moly dance between human and divine!
Yes, life is a dance, a constant shuffle this way and that, the occasional stumble, the surprising moments of winged feet, and the important moments when we stand still silent for the next gust of fancy footwork to move through us.
Sometimes I feel that life is a two steps forwards, one step back kinda foxtrot, a little like the tide when I think about it, rolling in to crash with might upon the shore here I am here I am, and then the same force dragging the waters with fierceness back, back, back, under, down, away, until the whole wave begins again. Which it does, because it has to. It’s its nature.
It’s our nature too.
Now I’m not saying I feel like I’m being dragged backwards with lungs full of water gasping and in frenzied chaos. Not today anyways thank god!! ;-) What I’m saying is that as artists, as creators, as those who dare to live at the edge called ‘make it up and improvise!’ each time we dare to offer we do so with the knowing that not all will reach the shore. Some will be pulled by spirit’s invisible current long before the force gains momentum. And this can leave us, if we care, if we have put our love into said offering, open to the wondrous and tender place of vulnerability. Open, not knowing, here, engaged, and alive. It’s this tenderness that gets touched upon occasion when we are disappointed. When something hasn’t lived up to what we wanted it to be, what we had dreams of it becoming, what we had expected to happen.
Now there’s nothing wrong with expectation. We hang so many of our finest, furry and fancy dreamings on to the hooks of expectation don’t we? It’s human. We hope and dream and want and desire and place this on to something outside of ourselves. A lover. A project. A promotion. A holiday. The weather. A day off. To be honest we bloody well sprinkle this shit on to everything!! Bless us!
Because at some level, at some place, we still have a small nudge of thinking that we are the ones in control! Isn’t that the fuckin’ truth??!! I’m smiling as I write this my loves. We all want to have control. We all want to place the pieces like a giant game of dominoes, oh so artfully and carefully, and watch with pride and relief as the pieces fall in exactly the way we had set them up to.
Spoiler alert. Life don’t be ahappening quite like that!!
You see, we can place our pieces wherever we want to. We can spend time and energy and focus on preparing and learning and creating and crafting, forming the moulds for life to move within and around us. This is important. We are the co-creators and God needs us to roll up our sleeves and do the work too. And hopefully this ‘work’ is fun, is what we are passionate about, believe in, trust, love, are turned on by, is our gift to the world, and is part of our living in service, in love.
But then. But then we have to let it go. We have to let go of the outcome. We do our best and show up, and then we have to give it up to spirit, to the mystery, and as prayer. At that point we empty our hands, we empty our hearts of expectation (tis tricky! ;-)), and we continue on, responding and living and loving life and each other.
As my teacher says, ‘It’s nothing to do with us. What happens is none of our business’. And you know what? There is so much freedom and space and breath and life in that knowing.
It takes practice though. My disappointment today is a gift. I’m disappointed for several reasons. I have let someone down. I was taking a chance to offer something new, something I believe passionately in, a new direction I intend to, and would love to travel with, more deeply (that of storytelling and performance and fairy tales! :-)). And again, in absolute full truth, I was hoping, wanting, to make some money towards heading to Spain again to go on retreat. I’m just being honest. I had, I realised, a few balls of expectation that I had been juggling with behind the wizard’s curtain! Does that make my disappointment Toto?!!
And all of this is ok. My guest has moved on now, and I have swallowed down some of its tender medicine, grateful, as always, to do so. I took a risk, like so many of us do that put out our events and then are not able to run them. No one talks of this. I wanted to speak of this today.
Sometimes we fail and sometimes we fall. Sometimes we stumble and we dance seemingly backwards. Sometimes there’s a spanner thrown in to the works of our unintended, unconscious control box. And sometimes we forget, we forget, that spirit knows best. Spirit knows best.
I trust in spirit and in the beautiful dance of my life and its glorious and, these days for sure, more unknown unravelling. I trust in the timing of all things. I trust in the medicine of disappointment’s gift. I trust in the fact that if I’m completely honest I was feeling rather full from a fabulous week and maybe, just maybe, my foot wasn’t fully on the ‘Yes, Go!’ pedal for today. I trust in the beauty of other’s understanding. I trust in the ridiculousness of our human endeavouring, and in all the absolute incredulous and moving beauty that we offer and pour out enriching everything. And I trust in the continuous urge, force, impulse, god given sap, that always, always, shows up, again and again, whispering excitedly in our ears, at our heart, with the words, ‘Ooooh, I’ve got a great idea!' ;-) :-).
Keep on keeping on folks. And thank you for reading thus far. Forever towards truth and freedom. Aho xxx
Hey lovely creative genius, let me know if you resonate with any part of this musing :-) And if you would like a lil assistance with shaking up your creative juju, then head over here to receive your FREE pdf book “10 ways to awaken your creative genius”. In gratitude, grace and freedom, HH
Heidi Hinda Chadwick
Creativity. Sexuality. Life. Art. Soul. Love.