D is for doubt.
Doubt has taken up residence and invited the fraudulent one for tea. They’re eating rock cakes which are causing all their teeth to fall out, and they’re pissing ‘tea’ outta their orifices! Quite frankly, they stink.
It’s no irony in the grand scheme of things, of how life is the careful navigation between and betwixt the dualities that those yogic dudes once spouted about. Yeh. It’s taken me twenty years, including one year of yoga teaching retirement, to finally get it. Tis all the dance of the opposites that causes so much trouble, tremble and thorny-ouched days as we pirouette the best we can through our creative lives.
You see, one of the diamonds of absolute clarity that has arisen since beginning a journey with the, (as I call her), ‘business shaman’, Kat Byles, is in finding my core message that fuels and runs through the intention of what ‘The Creative Genius’ (my creativity coaching business, keep up in the back loves!! ;-)) is about. It’s a ‘Fuck, YES!’ to one’s creativity, sexuality and life force. It’s a no brainer for me and as anyone of you knows who has worked with me (or just simply live in my heart as my friend), making your life art, and your art life, is what I have breathed with conviction all of my life. It’s me basically. And this ‘Fuck, YES!’ is a soft, heart fuelled, passionate, pleasurable, delicious, juicy, affirmation of your life. Of your self. Of your heart, and of your art.
Now, in standing at the edge of the unknown, at a new level of visibility, that involves all of me showing up, exposed, present, embodied, engaged, I have run straight into, the wall of resistance. That is, I have come up against my ‘NO!’.
I understand enough now that what we call in and ask for, which is always and already available to us, what we receive is everything that is in the way of that. You want love? Guaranteed all the ways you seek to hide from, repel, and/or dishonour love will show up. You want clarity? Here’s a ginormous bundle of confusion for you to unravel! Asking for faith to show up? Well then let’s count the ways suspicion, and turning away from miracles, plays out in your life!! Fun hey!!??? :-/. And so on, and so on.
So here’s my ‘NO!’. Oh let me count the ways:
Distraction. Check. Procrastination. Check. Perfectionism. Check. Avoidance. Double check. Comparison. Yuk, and Check. Judge. Check check check. Total an utter turning away in a kinda drugged sleep walking. Check mate.
Oh. Shit. :-(
If you resonate with any of the above then now would be a great time to holler ‘me too’ and send thumbs up my way. It ain’t pretty but tis the truth.
The one who doubts is loving this. The bitch! And the fraudulent one. Well, she’s gnashing her bleeding gums and looks simply delighted in the pointing out of how can I, the one who is saying ‘No!’ with such bells and whistles, hold space for others to find their ‘YES!’. How ridiculous. As she says ‘ridiculous’ bright red spittle splays out. As you can imagine this isn’t a terribly charming sight!!!
Part of me doesn’t want to hear her and desires to sleep a thousand years and wait for Disney’s sickly sweet and sugar coated Prince Charming to show up, kiss me whilst I sleep (which is well dodgy!!), and wake me from a life of slumber and responsibility! You see doubt, judge, and the fraudulent one (Fraulein Fraudulent!?? :-)), are bullies. And in believing their bullshit I become their victim.
It just keeps getting better n better!! (Not!)
Let’s see what’s going on here shall we!? Time to face these miserable uncouth wretches spoiling my afternoon tea partying.
Am I a fraud?
I’m not. Though it may feel like it because I don’t have my Americanised ultra smile and glossy hair on right now. Or ever for that matter. I’m a normal woman. Sensitive. Shy. Sweet. Who needs lots of stillness, space and silence otherwise she gets overwhelmed. And who often has a soupcon of tremor in her thigh, and a quiver of terror in the pit of her belly. Fine. These are familiars, and after a lifetime of letting them curtail my ‘Yeses’, they no longer pose a threat nor a roadblock to the excitement of the muse! :-)
Am I a fraud?
Guaranteed that whenever we stand at a gateway into the next steps of our true becoming any number of our old resistance mechanisms will kick in. It’s scary. It’s unknown and new. It’s exciting but involves letting go of what we know. It’s a surrender into. It’s about trust. It’s a game. It’s growth. And if it’s truly aligned with who we are, there’s a level of uncertainty and thus vulnerability, that rises up to meet us. All of this equals a madcap rush of possible chaos and resistance. (And cake. Very possibly cake.)
If I’m to stand besides you, clear, strong, open, receptive, and trustworthy, then I’ll have to have gone through this too. Not just once, but over and over and over again.
Am I a fraud?
What I’m stepping up to do is challenging that part that feels safer hiding away and behind. And yet this call feels oh so right. Alive. Exciting. Playful. And me. Because it feels so clear I am completely naked and raw, exposed and vulnerable. I choose this. I choose to step forwards deeper and wider and into the limitless possibility of the creative void. I choose to say yes to that which makes me feel joy. I choose to walk my talk, and shimmy my lithe limbs, and say ‘here I am, here I am!’
Doubt and its annoying friends come in to meet us when we are on to something. When we no longer desire to live in a smallness that devalues and denies who we are. I believe more and more that the force of this resistance is in direct equal power to the force of our greatness. The dance between ‘yes’ and ‘no’, between ‘life’ and ‘death’, is an eternal waltz until our very last step!
As they say on many a show: Who wins? You decide :-)
Here are some practical tools (from the creative genius warriors rock ‘n soul toolbox), to assist you if you find doubt, fraud and friends have come to tea unexpectedly!
*If you find that you have been gripped by the vice of ‘NO!’: Name it. Claim it. Voice it. So that it can no longer hide and rob you of your light and life. Most of the ‘no’ thoughts are designed to keep us small, and shame us. Shame’s role is to hide us away, and keep us imprisoned. Say ‘no way’ to your captors. Turn to face them. Question their voice.
*Ask for help and support. No wo(man) is an island. The ego thinks so. The ego believes it doesn’t need others. That’s not the case. Our strength is in our togetherness. That’s my new motto. It’s very new for this lone wolf. Reach out to: Peers. Friends. Loved ones. Tribe. Professionals. Nature. Trees. Mountains. The sea. Your dog. Your cat. A terrific and fabulously real creativity coach! :-)
*Make a choice. A conscious choice. Do I desire to live in and from this ‘no’? Would I like to learn to move in and from my ‘yes’? You don’t have to know how. Just keep affirming your choice.
*Accept that life is lived in the uncertainty. In the vulnerability. In the ‘not knowing’. Learn how to tread water in this place. Learn how to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. A ship is safe in the harbour but that’s not what ships were made for. It’s not what you were made for.
*Acceptance. Of all the ways the ‘no’ moves in. Of all its seductive callings. Of each and every time you cannot resist, are blind to its crafty manoeuvres. Get familiar with these characters: the doubt, the fraud, the judge. The more we choose to pull up a seat and join them at their (by now a complete shambolic!) table, the more they lose their power over us. And listen carefully too, as there may be snippets and whippets of truth amongst their scaremongering. It takes a great discernment to know what’s truth and what’s lies.
*Make friends with the possibility of failing, of fucking up, of making mahoosive mistakes! Make friends with imperfection.
*Take a deep breath and just go for it. Wobble away. Shake rattle ‘n roll. Fall down. Get ya knickers in a twist and your tail feathers caught in the elastic of ya pants.
*Show up anyways in all your glorious humanness. You see, if what calls to come forth lights a rocket in ya pants so that you purr with life and pulse with the yes of Eros, of manifestation, of what turns you on, of what brings you joy, then that’s what is being asked of you to bring to life. It’s none of your business how to do so perfectly. It’s not possible to wait until you’re ready otherwise they’ll be burying us at sea and our bones will still be rattling in anticipation mode waiting, waiting, waiting.
*Oh yeah. And celebrate the steps. Each one. No matter how small. If what you’ve done is huge for you then celebrate :-)
*And when the next wave comes to carry you (which it will my darling, oh yes it will), rinse and repeat. Strap yourself in and say ‘Fuck, YES!’ all over again!
With each battle, each surf, our muscle of becoming and navigating this ride, gets stronger. It has to. It will do. It is.
Thank you for your time and attention,
Heidi Hinda Chadwick
Creativity. Sexuality. Life. Art. Soul. Love.